


Splitting at the seams

by SpoonDance



Series: Where does your heart beat? [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, bipolar maggie, mentions of mania and depression, talk of Emily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:44:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonDance/pseuds/SpoonDance
Summary: She breathes in Alex and tells herself she’ll let her in. She’ll share everything. Maybe not right away and maybe not all at once but… over time. Because they have time. Time to heal.-or-Maggie shares with Alex more about what happened with Emily.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is split into before and after Maggie tells Alex she has Bipolar Disorder. The night of Alex being the amazing girlfriend she is in 2x17 and some weeks later.

That night Maggie cries herself to sleep. She sobs and whimpers and soaks her pillow with tears. But she does it whilst being held, being secure, being… healed. And it’s unlike any other night she’d cried herself to sleep because any other night she was alone and clenching at sheets instead of arms. Any other night she’d been gasping in her own alcohol stained breath instead of lavender and something warm she’s never been able to place. Any other night she’d be surrounded by silence and her own hateful words instead of humming and whispers of acceptance. Any other night it’d just be Maggie instead of Maggie  _ and Alex _ .

She’s not able to talk, she’s not sure what she’d say if she could, but Alex seems to know that tonight isn’t for words. She just holds her and Maggie just doesn’t understand and clings harder. Because why is Alex giving her this? Why is she here and staying and holding her? And why,  _ why  _ is she breaking like this when she’s the one that destroyed another’s life. Why is she accepting this comfort and confidence in her? Why?

But she knows. It’s in Alex’s voice, in her tone and words and how she constructs each syllable with conviction. It’s in her eyes and the open adoration, it’s her seeing a dark knot from Maggie’s past and only wanting to soothe the ache. It’s in her gentle hands, fingers tracing all manner of patterns across her back, her arms, her face, her chest. 

It’s all in the way Alex is with her. It makes her, or part of her at least, believe maybe she deserves to forgive herself bit by bit. Deserves to feel the pain of something she never thought she deserved to feel pain for. Because it was her, it was all her fault and she’s the bad person here and-

“I’m going to tell you right now, Maggie, that doing something bad does not make you a bad person.” She’s not sure if she was speaking out loud or Alex just somehow knew her train of thought in that moment but she made herself listen carefully. “We all mess up, we all do things we regret. We also can learn and grow and change. Things happen, moments happen that will stick with us for the rest of our lives, but they don’t have to define us. Maggie,” Alex pulls back slightly, still holding her, to catch her eye. “Look how torn up about this you are. I know a lot of people who wouldn’t be.”

Maggie scoffs and mutters, “You deal with a lot of seedy people, Danvers.”

Alex chuckles and Maggie revels in the vibrations. “Okay, yeah. But what I’m saying is a ‘bad person’ wouldn’t feel bad. You’ve got one of the biggest hearts I know, Maggie Sawyer. And knowing your past does not take any ounce away from that. It’s just that much stronger.”

And Maggie kisses her before more tears come and she’s back to burying her head into this amazing woman’s shoulder. She breathes in  _ Alex  _ and tells herself she’ll let her in. She’ll share everything. Maybe not right away and maybe not all at once but… over time. Because they have time. Time to heal.

 

* * *

  
  


“Hey, Alex?” Maggie starts, nervously. Her stomach and heart jittery just like every time she talks herself up to open up.

“Hmm?” Alex is reading on her couch; glasses on, her hair pinned back messily, and work clothes replaced by a henley she stole from Maggie weeks ago and sweats. And damn is she gorgeous.

“I-I want to talk to you about something,” she hates how her pitch changes but Alex’s eyes meet hers and her insides calm. “About… my past.”

Alex is instantly closing her book and setting it aside, turning her full attention to Maggie and inviting her to speak with a smile. And it’s an invitation to sit with her or stand and pace and Maggie falls that much more.

“You remember my ex? Emily?” A nod with that same open expression. “You know I… I cheated on her.” She hates saying the words but it’s what it is, it’s what she did. “Well I want to talk about it?”

Alex hears the question and offers just more warmth. “Okay. What do you want to tell me?”

“It was, well, I mean I was at this- I-” She starts pacing and Alex doesn’t stop her like others have and she’s so so grateful for this woman. Because she needs the movement to talk, to reveal and she wants to but it’s hard so she moves. “It’s not an excuse, at all, what I did was horrible and I’m not trying to diminish what I did to her in any way, how stupid and cruel-”

“Maggie.” Soft, cool, sweet. 

“Right, right, enough of that. Uh well, I wasn’t doing so great at that time. I mean… This was before I knew I was bipolar so things weren’t… too stable all the time. And Emily, she weathered it all with me. My ups and downs for years and I…” She takes a breath to stop herself on another self-deprecating tirad. “There hadn’t been too many extremes though. It was easier to keep myself in line and hide it all. Then I  _ did  _ have an extreme. I-I was just starting a new job and Emily and I had moved into this new apartment and everything was just… so great. So incredibly good. I was ecstatic. I was  _ manic _ . I didn’t know it then but, that’s what it was.”

Alex was nodding along, encouragingly and Maggie pushed on.

“I was buying so much stuff for the new apartment and Emily just loved my enthusiasm. I was working out to keep myself in great shape for my job, I was staying late at work and going the extra mile. Times 10. I was writing and thinking up all these projects I should do and was determined to be my own fix-it guru or something. Nothing could be thrown out because I was going to fix it no issue. Just when I had the time. But I never had the time so nothing got done and it was all piling up. I was being reckless in the field because I was certain I’d be fine, I’d get the guy, I’d be the hero.” She dropped down onto the couch next to Alex with a sigh. She didn’t look her in the eye but she pressed their thighs together for that extra reassurance of Alex being here, here, here. “Emily was getting frustrated, rightfully so, and I was picking fights. Fights about nothing just so I had a reason to be mad, had a reason for all that… writhing energy and need for  _ something _ . I hated it and I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t understand it at all, I just thought something was wrong with me and- and if something was wrong with me, then… So I picked fights with Emily and I pushed her away and I was running out at all times of the night. I was drinking and flirting and-and… And cheating. I was splitting at the seams and I just kept tugging at the strings, egging it all on. And then I crashed, the world was spinning without me and suddenly it was constantly nighttime and I never saw the sun even though I was always up at the break of dawn and…” 

Maggie choked on her words, she hated how she struggled just to get through a story. But Alex’s hand was on her thigh, warm and strong, and she laid her own on top. This was something she wanted to tell her, need to share  for a reason and she wasn’t going to stop now.

“It’s all foggy really. I just remember lots of panic and racing thoughts and just hopelessness. And guilt. I told Emily, I told her about the cheating, and she… she broke. I can’t-I can’t unsee that. I destroyed her, I destroyed five years, I-I loved her, Alex, I did. So much, and I did that to her, I-” Another choked word and a hand slipped across her back, rubbing circles and warmth into her tense frame. “Of course she ended things, I don’t blame her one bit. I didn’t beg for forgiveness because I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t beg her to stay because  _ she  _ didn’t deserve that. I just tried to apologize, over and over. But I let her go, I didn’t want to smother her with my own self-hatred and guilt. I knew that’d just hurt her more. And when she said she needed me gone, I was.”

They were silent for a long while, Maggie trying to calm her breathing and Alex giving her the time to do so. Eventually, Maggie sagged back into the couch and into Alex’s side, head resting on her shoulder. She felt a kiss to her head and smiled gently.

“Thank you,” Alex whispered and Maggie turned to curl into her.

“It feels good to get it out there. It hurts, but better that it’s not just locked inside here,” she tapped her temple and she felt another kiss laid there.

“I’m always here for that. You can always tell me things, good or bad, I’m here for it, got it?” 

Maggie nodded. “Got it.”

“You’re a good one, Mags.” Her hand was still rubbing at her back and Maggie hummed, feeling a part of herself ease and unravel just a bit more. “There’s nothing  _ wrong  _ with you. You’ve  been learning about yourself and seeing the reasons for things that happened in your past. And I hope you’re letting that help you forgive yourself.”

Maggie is quiet because she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know if she’s forgiving herself or just accepting.

“One step at a time, love.” 

Maggie smiles and let’s herself be okay. If only for a moment, she’s okay. And really, that is a step. And she’s confident that there is a next step. Something she’s never been confident in before. Because Alex see’s it and she trusts Alex’s eyes. And her words, her touches, her heart. She trusts.


End file.
